Caleb goes outside... and his mommy cries about it

You know, I have not been blogging as much lately.  I haven't really felt up to it.  Partly it's because I've been struggling more and when I'm down, I don't really want to bum other people out too.  I start to worry that people just don't want to hear about my drama anymore.  But this week when I was meeting with my psychiatrist (more on that in a minute), she encouraged me that I need to blog at least 1 to 2 times a week because it's a good outlet for me to be honest about my experiences here.  It was good to be reminded about the importance of honesty.  It's why I like to blog; my hope has always been that by sharing these experiences, somehow others will find encouragement in what I'm going through.  So here's to a renewed commitment to sharing my life with you, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  And if you're someone who IS tired of hearing my sad sack stories, you can blame my therapist.

So yes, every Wednesday I have a new standing appointment with Dr. Kathy.  This week was my first time and now I wish I had been meeting with her long before now.  I didn't realize how much I keep to myself.  It was so good to talk with someone about how I'm doing without having to worry about making her upset.  I have been feeling depressed for several weeks and part of feeling depressed is simply never really talking about how I'm doing.  Then there's also that pesky little lie in the back of my head that says, "Come on, you're a Christian, you should be ok.  If Paul and Silas could praise God in prison, what's wrong with your faith?"  Well that's a load of crap.  I'm here to tell you that even very good and godly people go through harrowing and painful experiences (See: Jesus).  I've decided (with the help of a medical professional!) to go a little easier on myself and admit that this is getting harder and harder and that's perfectly normal.  So there you go.

It helps me to have things to look forward to, and we are trying to plan one activity a week that will be fun.  This weekend, Daniel's family all came to visit and it was really good.  We watched basketball together, and went to a good restaurant, and slept in a hotel.  Anything outside of this hospital is like therapy in itself.  Trying to do more things like that.  You can hold me accountable if you want.

One highlight of the weekend was that the doctors said Caleb could go outside for a walk when the weather is warm, as long as a nurse was free to go with us and it was at least 60 degrees.  So Saturday we took our son outside for the first time since October.  And he was pretty overwhelmed.  He squinted pretty bad and mostly just wanted to be held.  It took a while for him to even want to get down and walk. Watching him attached to his pole, with all his wires, with a nurse and Daniel trying to help him simply walk around, it upset me.  I know it was supposed to be so great to have him outside, but I just went off by myself and sat down and cried.  It just made me desperate for him to have a normal life, for him to be able to be free and run around and explore and not have to say, "Ok Caleb we have to sit down for a minute because your heart rate is too high".  After a while, he started to get into it, but when we went back inside he was fine with that.

On Sunday we went outside again, and this time was different.  On the way downstairs, I asked Caleb what he was excited to see when we went outside, and he said, "the sun".  As soon as we opened the door, he wanted to walk on his own and he took off.  (With him being attached to his pole, keeping up with him was tricky, but a good problem to have.)  He was so excited to walk up and down the 2 steps off the patio.  He hasn't seen steps in a long time and he had a really hard time with it, but he was so determined.  It was precious.  Then he started looking for ants and was totally fascinated when he'd find one.  He really enjoyed himself and put up a fight when we had to go back in.  I felt better about that trip; at least I could get a tiny glimpse of what it will be like when he DOES get to have a normal life again.  

That's a rundown of how we're doing.  Thanks for continuing to read about and care for our family!  This is a really hard time in our life and I deeply appreciate the fact that people are following our story.  Stay tuned if you're into hearing about how this family is going to keep on going, no matter what comes our way.