Thursday, January 10, 2013

Lessons learned from yelling at God


The highlight of my day was walking circles around the floor with Jonah and Caleb... Jonah had a football and he was kicking it.  It never got off the ground, just rolled into the wall over and over.  And every time he would kick it, Caleb would let out a belly laugh as though it was the most hilarious thing he's ever seen.  He almost fell down, he laughed so hard!  In fact, after 30 minutes of this, Caleb's heart rate was so high we had to take a break.  Laughing is such a great workout.  It was good exercise for all three of us.

This week has been a very good week.  Jonah has been here since Sunday and we've had so much fun being all together.  Caleb, I am so thankful to say, has gotten better.  His heart rate and breathing rate have gone back down a little and the doctors are not concerned about him.  He even had an echo which showed that his heart function has not gotten worse.  Whew.  We really needed a string of good days, and we've had them.

Last week I was pretty ticked at God.  I realize this might surprise a few of you, who have made the (laughable) mistake of believing I don't have Crappy Attitude days.  I have lots of Crappy Attitude days and watching Caleb struggle so much last week brought out some ugliness.  It started to feel so wrong to have to watch my son, who does not understand all this, endure so much pain and fear.  And the more I thought about the wrongness of it all, the more my anger rose, until I found myself just railing against God, yelling at Him about how He needs to stop all this, stop it NOW.  Really, Lord?  You're going to allow this to go on?  What is wrong with You??  My son doesn't deserve this, my son should NOT have to go through all this pain, NO PARENT SHOULD HAVE TO WATCH THEIR CHILD SUFFER!  And God's voice, His gentle, compassionate voice, spoke to my heart..."Don't you think I understand exactly what you're experiencing? Don't you remember that I know more about watching a son suffer than you can possibly imagine? You can't see the whole picture, you only see this little part. You are so much smaller than me and you do not understand. I love you. You are my child and Caleb is my child and I see the WHOLE picture, and it is good." And in that moment, I was so thankful that I am so small but that God can see the whole story, my story, Caleb's story, from the beginning to the very end. And I was so thankful that when He had to watch His own Son suffering, He allowed it. He allowed it because He knew infinitely better than we could that sometimes suffering is necessary. I don't understand suffering. I don't understand why the world can suck so bad sometimes. But I know that even though it may make no sense to me, I know that our Creator has a different view than we do, and that His ways are trustworthy.

Lord, I don't know how You did that. I don't know how you allowed Your Son to die in order to save the world. But I'm so thankful you did. And I pray that when I am freaking out and yelling at You about all the injustice in this world, that You would quickly remind me that this world is not all there is. Remind me that there is a bigger story being written and I am just one tiny line in a really long narrative. And remind me that You cause everything to work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purposes. YOUR purposes.

15 comments:

  1. Amen, and Amen. It is amazing how God reminds us of His might and power in such a loving and gracious way. He is so patient with us in our limited knowledge. Praising God that HE is in control. There is nothing we go through, NOTHING, that He does not understand and empathize with us. Continued prayers as always for you all. Brought joy to my heart to see His smiling providence on your family this week. Cling to those memories when it gets rough. Love you guys.

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  2. woo hoo!....I heard and felt it coming as you were describing your pain and suffering of watching Caleb...HE KNOWS!!!! Tad did a sermon at Christmas which reminds me of this...Christmas isn't about Jesus....it's about ME....it's about YOU!!!! For God so loved that world that he gave his so YOU would not perish....See!!! YOU, ME, WE are the reason! Jesus came a baby so he would know how we felt...to be hungry, tempted, doubtful, compassionate, forgiving, hurt, abandoned, etc. Thank you for your transparency...you are humbly His and I love that about your family. Am praying for God's will for Caleb and your family! :)

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  3. I am so happy that Caleb is doing better! God really does shine down on us all the time doesn't He? What a comfort knowing that you feel that and you open your heart to Him. Prayers and love you all!!

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  4. I love that you just tell it like it is Katie! Praising God for His wisdom and His Glory and for letting us yell and blessing us beyond measure. I am laughing and crying tears of joy and compassion for my friends, my family in Christ. Love you guys! Miss Pam

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  5. I agree....WOW, Your message, your Faith and your Love....thank you for sharing and reminding us about Gods grace! I am a friend of your Mom's now living in TN. We are all praying for The Great Physicians healing for Caleb. Hang in there and know that all things are possible!

    Pam Thompson

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  6. Dearest Katie and family; I too went thru a terrible loss, full of anger, sometimes at God, couldn't understand why someone could plow down two beautiful, always laughing, so in love with each other despite all their faults, gorgeous young couple. My youngest and only daughter and her husband are glorifying in the Lord, doing what they strived for, to be with the Lord forever. Only til this Dec, with the shootings at Conn. cou;d I accept the Lord's wishes. My beautiful little girl was greeting at the Golden Gate all those little children. I can see her now, she loved children, overindulged in the love for their son, always protecting but yet firm and teaching him right. God knew that I could take care of him...the good Lord needed help to take care of all those little children that went to heaven that day. I knew then and accepted his decision. Stacy is doing the work of the Lord with the little childrenin heaven. Stacy loved little ones, in fact she tried so hard to have another child,(autopsy showed she would never have any more children, she was not aware), now she has all God's children to tend to. Knowing this, yet not knowing the fate of little Caleb, Stacy will meet him and anxiously accept him into the kindergarten of heaven .......I pray every day for this miracle to happen, a precious gift of a heart. I have learned finally whatever God dishes out, sadness and anger for awhile, there is a blessing in it all. God bless you Katie and may God give you a renewal of his grace and strength to go on. Than you for your updates on Caleb, such a beautiful little boy!!!!

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  7. Thank you for your truthful! I am sorry for your pain but I am blessed by your sharing and truthfulness. God be with your family!

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  8. What a wonderful revelation! I often forget that God had to watch HIS son suffer and die for US! Caleb and your family are continuously in our thoughts and prayers.

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  9. Katie, read Isaiah 43:1-7. The promise is for you today!

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  10. I love you, Katie. I needed to hear this today.

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  11. Hey guys...wanted to share something that I read about having "nothing left to give" and then thought of you! http://www.truewoman.com/?id=2379


    Much love in Him,
    Chrissy

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  12. Beautiful! Thank you!

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