Monday, February 25, 2013

Not the post I wanted to write today

I hardly know what to write.  Last week was such a great week, full of good news and blessings.  I joked that it would be just perfect if we moved all our stuff into our new house, went to bed and got woken up in the night with The Call that a heart was coming.  And that's exactly what happened.  When our phone rang at 3:30 in the morning on Sunday, Daniel flew out of bed with the added disorientation of not only being woken up in the middle of the night, but sleeping in an unfamiliar room.  It was the hospital and there was a potential heart.  I just crumbled on the floor in a heap of tears, begging God to please, please, please let this happen.  We knew it wasn't definite but everything looked good.  You can imagine what it was like to be told we had to just sit and wait a few hours to know any more news.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:30 and it wasn't until around noon that the surgeon came in and told us that the hospital where the donor was had acted prematurely and that the heart that had been offered was in much worse shape than they believed.  The transplant wasn't possible.  I couldn't even cry.  I just stood there blankly and didn't want anyone to touch me.  I didn't want anyone to tell me that it would be ok or that the right heart would come.  I just wanted to go eat lunch and forget that for 8 hours I thought Caleb was going to get a heart.

I didn't let myself even think about it until the end of the day.  Our family had come and when they all left, and we put Caleb to bed and sent Jonah home with Grammy, we came back to the Ronald McDonald House and went to bed and wept.  Then we woke up this morning and wept some more before we even got showered.  We spent about half an hour praying together before we got up and went back to the hospital.  I think today was the first time that we honestly felt like we almost couldn't get out of bed and go back there.  But we did, one step at a time.  It was like we just had to decide we were not going to give up... because we were sure tempted to.  When I opened my eyes this morning, I felt like I was so close to the edge; the edge of total despair and darkness.  I begged God to help us and told Him that He is the only thing between me and hopelessness.  He simply had to help because we had nothing else to keep us from falling apart.

He did help.  We got up, we showered, we went back to that room.  We thanked God for another day.  We ate lunch together while Caleb napped and we processed the events of yesterday.  We took a nap ourselves.  We met with the transplant team who were sincerely shaken; everyone was.  Everyone on this floor wanted that heart to come so badly.  It was a comfort to us to see how deeply the people here care for us and our son.  By the time Caleb got up from his nap this afternoon, we were in a much better place.  A kind soul brought us supper and while we were eating it, I had the overwhelming sense that people were praying for us and that God was giving us little slivers of peace and strength because of those prayers.  

Thank you for all your care and prayers.  They make a difference.  If you have taken the time to offer a prayer for us, please know you have our deepest appreciation.  We still believe in a loving God, even when it seems crazy to do so, and we still choose to accept whatever He has for our life.


  1. Oh Katie, My heart aches for your trials and testings to be turned into rejoicing. May God continue to pour strength and hope into your weary and worn lives. Our family will continue to lift each of you to the Father, that mercy be great towards this event. May the peace that only He can give flood over you now and each moment of every day until you are out of this valley.

    Shalom and Blessings in the name of Yeshua ha Mashiach

    Sent in love from your second cousin
    Kathy Fahey and the family at
    The King's Cleft
    Christian family home for the disabled

  2. Prayers and love to this awesome family!!!!

  3. So glad God has nothing but total healing in mind for Caleb and all of you. Praying for you through the storms and eagerly anticipating His plan and purpose. We'll keep praying and looking ahead expectantly!

  4. Katie I can not begin to imagine. My heart rejoiced so on Sunday morning as I raced to church to "celebrate cautiously" the 99% assurance of Caleb's new heart. By afternoon we all cried and prayed and waited. Then I saw a picture on Facebook. (thank you Tisha Sledd) A picture of a little guy in an adorable hat and mittens and the sweetest smile I have ever seen~and it said, "It's Okay Friends, God's Got This!". Pretty much knocked me back to my knees to rejoice again that God makes no mistakes, that He alone is in control and His hand is guiding all of this~I pray that He renews your strength, that you know He is standing beside you as you weep, that His arms are around you, around Daniel, Jonah and Caleb, I pray you physically feel His touch and hear His voice as He whispers, "I Got This Beloved". I love you all so much, Miss Pam

  5. We are praying for you and your family.Know that when you are weak, those of out here that are praying for you are strong, we grow stonger the more prayer warriors that we have. Lean on us, trust the Lord and he will see you through this. Cynthia lee Grand parent to Connor Rangel and Liberty.

  6. Dear Katie & Caleb's family...
    You have graciously taken us on this journey of faith during Caleb's search for that perfect heart... We will continue to seek God's face on behalf of your family. Wishing you peace that passes understanding during this journey!
    Hugs to each of you....

  7. Just know that your church family is praying for you and we love you all dearly. Hold fast to your faith and God will pull you through anything. He has healed my husband's cancer and remember it's all in God's timing.

  8. You don't know me, but I have been following the story of your family while I am away at college. I want you to know that my church has been praying for Caleb and your entire family. Along with my church, My professors and classes have been praying for you as well. I have brought your story to Indiana Wesleyan University and we are certainly praying for your son and your family. May you rest in the peace of our beloved Jesus.

  9. Please know we continue to pray for your family & for Caleb! Yes the news was exciting for all, that a heart could be on his way & we were all so sad to hear the news but that FB picture of saying God's Got THIS just brought us to tears once again. I also heard on the way home, even if the healing doesn't come & once again cried & prayed so hard that God wold recieve glory no matter what but that a heart would come & soon. Do not give up, soooo many are praying & your words & strength are absolutly a inspiraation to so many people! Sending hugs, prayers & love to your family! ~ The Cooper family from Cadiz

  10. Very hard to respond without sounding like a greeting card, but the attempt shall be made.

    We know that with Christ, ALL things are possible. It is my fervent prayer that His will lines up with the desires of your heart and that healing (miraculous or otherwise) comes for Caleb so that your family can rejoice before the Throne of Grace together!

    In Him,
    Ron and Beth Stone
    Anderson IN

  11. You don't know us, but our daughter has been sharing your journey with us for several months. Sunday morning we were sitting in church when we got a text from her saying their was a potential heart. My husband stood and shared the request and we prayed together as a church for your family. Then later we were sharing a fellowship meal and we got the second text. Again he stood and shared your need with our praying church family. Many hearts were touched that day and many still pray for you this week and in the days ahead. I just wanted you to know that when you feel like you cannot go on or even know how to pray....God's people, your brothers and sisters in Christ are holding you up!

    1. I met you very briefly at the Ronald McDonald house as our husbands were both getting our cars to pick us up at the front door. Your story touched my heart so deeply that I have continued to pray for you, Caleb, and your family. On Christmas day, for the first time I wished that I had gotten no gifts for our children because I felt that we had been blessed enough. All I wanted to do was hold them and thank God for them. You are an inspiration. Caleb is an inspiration to us all. May God bless your family and continue to shine His light through you! I have shared your story asking others to pray also for God hears all prayers. Much love to you and your family. Thank you so very much for sharing your journey.

  12. Katie,
    I sit here grasping for the words to say! I can't imagine what you and your family are going through and feeling! But your families faith and trust in God is Amazing! This is what it's all about! I read your blogs and find myself praying more than I ever have and have developed a stronger relationship with our God! I hope you know how many people are praying for your family and your sweet little boy! I saw the news on Facebook that a heart could be on the way and I just cried happy tears. Then a few hours later I saw the disappointing post that the heart wasn't good enough and I cried tears of sadness! Then I realized that God knew this heart wasn't good for Caleb! He ALWAYS knows best! So until he sees fit to send Caleb the perfect heart, my family will continue to send prayers your way! God Bless!

  13. We are praying for you and your sweet family may God continue to give you the strength you need to face this trial....We love you God bless the Richardson's

  14. My heart goes out to you and your family, it's hard at times to understand why things happen to each of us but I know you know that is is through God that we can understand. Praying for you and Caleb and your family and everyone that is helping your family. Be strong and don't give up, God is there for you... God Bless!

  15. We are praying for you and your family. We know that in our weakness, God is strong. God bless you. We pray for you.

  16. My heart aches for you as a mother. My daughter both have an unknown liver "problem, illness, disease" that we still don't know quite what to expect. I know as a mother you just want to make things better, to fix things. All I can say is, power of prayer, power of prayer, power of prayer. Surround yourself with your loved ones, hug your baby, lean on others for strength you don't have, take naps, and pray. Ask to be on everyones' prayer list. Let God take over. And I pray you can look back on this moment with an amazing beautiful story and stronger Faith. Just breathe!

  17. Hi Katie, I just want you to know I have also been following your story (I am from New Castle and used to go to a lot of Young Life) but now from down here in Gainesville, Florida myself and 139 of my classmates are praying for little Caleb and your family. And many of them have created prayer warrior groups for your family. So we are sending you love abd prayers from the Sunshine State!

  18. Katie, I live in Greenfield and found your blog in January through a friend on FB. I have been following your story and praying for you and your family.

    God is good even when it hurts and there is darkness all around.