Why can't my kids remember the things I want them to remember, and forget the things I wish they'd forget? Today I had a Mommy Failure: I took Jonah on a date to Chick-fil-A and I thought it was adorable that he was singing along in the back seat with me... until I realized the lyrics he knew, word for word, were, "So if by the time the bar closes, and ya feel like falling down, I'll carry you home tonight." Oops. Guess I need to pay more attention to what I'm listening to. What is the deal? The kid can't remember to wash his hands after he poops, but he can remember every word to a fun. song? (Oh, people over 40, and Tiffany Thompson, fun. is the name of a band and not a punctuation error on my part.)
I've been trying to spend a lot of time with Jonah lately because I think this is all finally getting to him a little bit. He's been ok for the most part, but he's started saying he's scared of the dark, and he falls apart when I tell him "no", and he generally just wants to be where his parents are. Basically, he's just tired and wants to go home. And he doesn't know how to communicate the way this all affects him. I'm proud of him, though. He has been a rock star these last few months. Needing to give him a little more attention is certainly not the worst problem to have.
And speaking of problems, are you sick of hearing about mine yet? Because I sure am. I'm so ready to write the blog everyone is waiting for, the one with some great news. I want to write a blog that says everything is wonderful and easy and Caleb got a new heart and our family never had any more struggles again, the end. Except that no one would read that, because it would be boring... I know that because my most pitiful blog posts are always the ones that get the most hits.
But I digress! I say I'm tired of thinking about my problems, but the truth is, I don't sit around thinking about "my problems". Lately I try not to think about much of anything. And God has been whispering in my ear about this. It is so much easier to just enjoy some mindless magazine whenever I actually get a chance to sit down and relax. Last night I tried to do that, just zone out, and God brought to mind a little passage in the book of Jeremiah. It's a passage that He has brought to my mind 2 or 3 other times in my life, and always during times when I know God really wants me to pay attention to Him. In Jeremiah 18, God tells Jeremiah to go down to the potter's house and watch the potter at his wheel. So Jeremiah goes and the guy is sitting at his potters wheel making something out of clay. While he is working on his piece, the clay gets wonky (the Katie Kinnaird version), so the potter scraps what he was making and starts over, making something different this time with that same bit of clay. And while Jeremiah is watching this, God speaks to him. God says (again, the Katie Kinnaird version), "See what the potter is doing? See how he had a plan for that clay, but as he was making it, the clay got wonky so he started over? He changed the clay into something completely different than what he started out with. That is what your life is in My hands. I may have great plans to use you and bless you, but My plans for you are not set in stone... they can change depending on how you live and the choices you make."
See, I'm trying to turn my mind off, but God keeps reminding me to turn it back on, to re-engage and not float through these days. He keeps saying to me, "Don't waste this! Don't waste these days when you could mine them for gold! Don't get wonky when I'm trying to work with you!" This is my biggest struggle right now, and how I deal with it will determine whether I get to the other side the same old me, or whether I come out of this a changed woman, a woman who has something to say and something to share. A woman who is strong and wise and whose roots go waaaaay down deep. Help me, Lord! Help me to press in to You and to listen to what You want to say to me! Help me to turn away from the false comforts around me and turn to You. I want whatever your Plan A is for me. I want the plan that involves me knowing you more than I ever have. Help me to do what it takes to see your greatest blessings come to be.