Friday, August 16, 2013

Heavy thoughts... and an idea

There are days it's obvious I'm in a "who cares anyway" kind of mood.  If you were observing me this morning, you would have seen me wake up, decide to just put on yoga pants instead of take a shower and get dressed, eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, and forget to brush my teeth before I headed over to the hospital.  Yes, today is a day I don't have much motivation.  

I've been a little blue for the last couple days, ever since Jonah and I were home for a night.  See, I was doing some organizing at our house, because I realized that we can move all of Jonah's things home, in light of how much time he'll be spending there when preschool starts next week.  (It will be really weird to NOT pack a bag for Jonah to go home, but for him to actually pack a bag to go to the hospital instead.)  Anyways, so I opened the drawers in the dresser in the boys' room, and the first two drawers had almost nothing in them, just a few things leftover from last year that never made it to the RMH.  When I got to the third drawer, I opened it and it almost took my breath away... it was all of Caleb's clothes, perfectly folded and untouched, exactly the way we left them when we left for the hospital on the morning of November 1, 2012.  His little jeans, sweatshirts, button-up shirts.  I just started crying as I lifted them up and looked at them, the clothes that are now so small, clothes he was just starting to wear last year as the weather was cooling off.  In the hospital, Caleb wears the same handful of comfy outfits and jammies, all short sleeves because of his picc line, clothes that we don't mind if he pukes on, which he does almost every day.  So all his old "regular" clothes were just sitting there, untouched.  It felt like a death had happened, and all over again I felt like I was mourning; not mourning because I've lost my child, but mourning how much of his life has been lost to the hospital.  Mourning the "normal" life I had dreamed of and hoped for him.  Mourning all the things Caleb can't do and places he can't go.  

As I sat and cried with all these little clothes in my hands and lap, Jonah came in.  He immediately came over and put his hand on my lap and asked, "What is it, Mommy?"  And I told him, "These are all of Caleb's clothes that he didn't get to wear, and I'm sad because I just want him to be able to be here with us and do normal things with us."  And Jonah kissed me and said, "Well, you could just bring the clothes back with you to the hospital."  And that made me laugh, and then Jonah said he needed to get back in his rocket ship and he skipped off.  I am so thankful that he brings me a lot of laughter in moments that would be so heavy.

I have been a little sad since then.  I just want Caleb to be able to be WITH us.  It didn't help that when I got back to the hospital yesterday, Caleb and I were chatting and he said to me, "I want to go to YOUR house."  I started crying again.  I tried to explain that MY house is actually HIS house, but he looked really confused and said, "No, I want to go to YOUR house" again.  And he asked me where my house is.  It broke my heart.  Even though the truth is that my house IS his house, it's easy to understand why that makes no sense to him because he's never even seen that house.  He's never ridden in our van.  He doesn't know what I mean when I talk about his play room or his bunk bed.  And that has been hard lately.  It's wonderful that he is stable and he truly is happy and secure in his environment here in the hospital... in fact, he was scheduled to go down to get an echo today, and when we told him we were going to get an echo, he started cheering.  He is happy here.  But he's not with us.  He's not really a part of our world.  We enter and exit his world every day, but he doesn't know anything about what we do away from him.  And that makes my heart heavy.

I have had an idea in my head that I think I really want to see happen.... I would love to have a Pray for Caleb rally.  A night where people come to pray for Caleb and for us and also to worship together, praising God for who He is and what's He's done, and coming before Him to plead for Caleb as well.  Would people attend something like that?  What an encouragement for us that would be.  If you would be interested in coming to pray with us on Caleb's behalf, or would be willing to help with the event in some way, would you let me know?  My email address is kakinnaird@hotmail.com.  If there are people would do this, I want to see it happen.  

Thank you for your wonderful prayers and encouragement.  Even though we often feel far away, we know how much love and care there is for our family, and we appreciate it so deeply.  Keep praying!  And give me some feedback about a Pray for Caleb night.

25 comments:

  1. Katie..couldn't sleep last night and so spent some time praying for Caleb. I felt so restless and unsettled. I don't know if that was God impressing upon me that you needed prayer, but just wanted you to know you are not forgotten!! Deb Alspaugh

    ReplyDelete
  2. Katie - your perseverance is such a sweet sacrifice unto your heavenly Father! These are the words to a song that came to mind after I read this blog post - do you know the story behind the song "Blessings" by Laura Story?
    ♫ 'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears?
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You're near?
    What if trials of this life
    Are Your mercies in disguise? ♫

    Here is a link to the story behind the song... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDiTuSLSJB8

    In the span of eternity - it will be worth it and He WILL repay you for the years that the locusts have eaten!!
    Thank you for 'living out loud!'

    ReplyDelete
  3. YES absolutely!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beth Burris-McIlwainAugust 16, 2013 at 8:14 PM

    Prayer changes things and I would gladly attend. I would also love to help plan something. My email is mykidstaxidriver@aol.com
    Please let me know what you need. With love and prayer in Jesus name

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes, Katie. I will do all I can do to be there. What an honor to lift Caleb up to our Father in Heaven, together, expecting Him to answer our pleas!

    ReplyDelete
  6. i cant come to where you are but ill be there in thoughts and prayers, i pray for him daily and will keep doing so you let me know what date and time and ill do it here in my home, May God Bless you and that beautiful child.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes, we will come!

    ReplyDelete
  8. My heart aches for you and your family. I will pray right now for our Lord to intercede during this trial you're going through and asking for a miracle from our God.

    Love in Christ,
    Arlene

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are a friend of a friend...you and your family have been my prayers and I would definitely try to be there.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Katie, I would love to attend a rally for Caleb. I have tentative plans to come to Indiana sometime in September, close to Carter's b'day, so if it works out, I'll be there!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. We will be there.. count on 8! You don't know me but I attended Souh Memorial Drive in New Castle a few years back. You may not feel inspirational in yoga pants :-) but every blog has touched my heart! Jenny Cornett

    ReplyDelete
  12. We would be there. And if you anything, would love to help.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, Katie, we would definitely be there. And I would be more than willing to help someone in any way that I can organize this. I wouldn't know where to start or how to head it up, but I'm an awful good behind the scenes kind of worker. Thank you for sharing your "downs" as well as your "ups". We are all human and have days where we just feel like we don't know if we can find that last bit of strength to hang on. Just remember....It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus, lifes trials will seem so small, when we see Christ. One glimpse of His dear face...all sorrow will erase, so bravely run the race, til we see Christ. There are times that this song helps keep me focused on what is the most important thing...running the race that God has set before me. You and Daniel and Jonah and Caleb are the bravest folks I know right now. We love you and are praying for you always!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Debbie! Thanks for your offer to help. One question... I'm not sure which Debbie this is! :) Would you send me a quick email so I can let you know how I need help?

      Delete
    2. Hi, Katie! I'm Jill. A few of my friends know you and I've been praying for your family and following your story for months. I would be able to make an eye-catching digital poster (something people could post on their facebook pages to encourage others to come) for you. I'm not a professional designer, but have many years marketing experience. I could also make a "banner-size" ad so that people could use it as their cover photo on facebook. Your church could put it in their bulletin and email it to other churches to let their congregation know about it. It could encourage those that can't attend to pray in their own homes during that time. I have some downtime at my job and would consider it an honor to make this for you. One less thing on your plate, and hopefully something to inform and encourage others to attend.

      Just let me know if I can help! ~ Jill, jill@servantsofchrist.org

      Delete
  14. Katy, Will you check with the hospital to see if this would be permitted? They are pretty strict on visitors. I think it's a great idea. You remain in our prayers and the prayers of the people at Smyrna Baptist Church in Spiceland. Jennifer & Pastor Larry

    ReplyDelete
  15. I would come to the rally for Caleb....We pray for him often...would love to see our community come together for your son and bring in God's presence for you and your family.....Donna Richardson

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes Katie I am interested in participating in this prayer time. Love Pam Cooper

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am praying for you. I would love to come if the time worked out. Last night my husband and I were in Walmart in Greenfield and there was a girl who had a red T Shirt on that said Pray for Caleb. I was in a hurry but almost stopped and asked her if it was for your Caleb. I wish I would have.
    xo rachel
    P.S. I know you said to email, but it looks like people are responding right here. I hope that's OK with you too.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I would not be able to attend but would love to have my local church pray at the same time. Praying for your family. Your blogs are such an inspiration.

    ReplyDelete