I have never been so happy to be in my little cracker-jack-box-of-a-house in my life. We have been home for 5 days now and I still think it's amazing to see Caleb with no tubes or IVs or other various appendages attached to him. He's here! He's ok! He's gaining weight! I'm telling myself these things over and over. When we left the hospital, I kept feeling like someone was going to run after us and say no, wait, we can't really take him home. Finally I have relaxed now. That's something I get asked a lot, is whether or not I can really relax or if I'm worried to death that something will go wrong. Honestly I am not afraid or even anxious. I can't start down that path, you know? My son is a heart baby, he always will be, and I am not going to let fear and anxiety take a foothold in my mind or I'll just go crazy. Worry myself sick over something I have no control over? No thank you.
I'd like to pretend like I'm really mature and wise and THAT'S why I'm not worried, but in reality the intensity of my new role as a mom of two is a pretty good distraction. Holy cow, how do people do this? I mean, I guess you just do it because you have to, but wow, two kids is a lot of work. I hoped I would be so thankful to have Caleb home that I wouldn't even mind getting up round the clock and trying to manage a newborn while also wrangling a two-year old. But I will make a confession, as I'm prone to doing on this blog, that I am apparently still a very selfish person. Isn't parenting just one continual revelation of your own selfishness? I thought I outgrew a lot of that with my first child, but apparently I still have some growing to do!
I really am beside myself with gratitude. Caleb is doing great, and we are having a blast getting to be an actual family of four. Jonah is way sweeter to his little brother than I expected. He is eating up the big brother thing! Besides the occasional meltdown (that could just as easily be one of those inexplicable 2-year old things), Jonah seems like his normal self. He freaked out for the first few days at home and didn't want to go anywhere. When I asked him this weekend if he wanted to see his grandma and grandpa, he said, "No Mommy, I just want to stay with my parents." I guess some time in the last 3 weeks he learned the word "parents". But he's over it now, and back to his extroverted self. Last night he picked up Caleb's diaper bag and brought it to me and said, "Let's go Mommy. Let's get in your car." I love that kid. He is his mother's son. Four days in a row at home were enough for him, thank you very much.
Caleb had his first appointment with the pediatrician yesterday and he has gained.... drum roll, please.... 12 ounces in 5 days! This is amazing weight gain! What a little pig. The fact that he is breastfeeding and gaining weight is a miracle. He looks great, and will continue to visit the cardiologist and pediatrician frequently. For now, life is very normal in the Kinnaird house. Happily, hectically normal.