Monday, April 8, 2013

Caleb goes outside... and his mommy cries about it

You know, I have not been blogging as much lately.  I haven't really felt up to it.  Partly it's because I've been struggling more and when I'm down, I don't really want to bum other people out too.  I start to worry that people just don't want to hear about my drama anymore.  But this week when I was meeting with my psychiatrist (more on that in a minute), she encouraged me that I need to blog at least 1 to 2 times a week because it's a good outlet for me to be honest about my experiences here.  It was good to be reminded about the importance of honesty.  It's why I like to blog; my hope has always been that by sharing these experiences, somehow others will find encouragement in what I'm going through.  So here's to a renewed commitment to sharing my life with you, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  And if you're someone who IS tired of hearing my sad sack stories, you can blame my therapist.

So yes, every Wednesday I have a new standing appointment with Dr. Kathy.  This week was my first time and now I wish I had been meeting with her long before now.  I didn't realize how much I keep to myself.  It was so good to talk with someone about how I'm doing without having to worry about making her upset.  I have been feeling depressed for several weeks and part of feeling depressed is simply never really talking about how I'm doing.  Then there's also that pesky little lie in the back of my head that says, "Come on, you're a Christian, you should be ok.  If Paul and Silas could praise God in prison, what's wrong with your faith?"  Well that's a load of crap.  I'm here to tell you that even very good and godly people go through harrowing and painful experiences (See: Jesus).  I've decided (with the help of a medical professional!) to go a little easier on myself and admit that this is getting harder and harder and that's perfectly normal.  So there you go.

It helps me to have things to look forward to, and we are trying to plan one activity a week that will be fun.  This weekend, Daniel's family all came to visit and it was really good.  We watched basketball together, and went to a good restaurant, and slept in a hotel.  Anything outside of this hospital is like therapy in itself.  Trying to do more things like that.  You can hold me accountable if you want.

One highlight of the weekend was that the doctors said Caleb could go outside for a walk when the weather is warm, as long as a nurse was free to go with us and it was at least 60 degrees.  So Saturday we took our son outside for the first time since October.  And he was pretty overwhelmed.  He squinted pretty bad and mostly just wanted to be held.  It took a while for him to even want to get down and walk. Watching him attached to his pole, with all his wires, with a nurse and Daniel trying to help him simply walk around, it upset me.  I know it was supposed to be so great to have him outside, but I just went off by myself and sat down and cried.  It just made me desperate for him to have a normal life, for him to be able to be free and run around and explore and not have to say, "Ok Caleb we have to sit down for a minute because your heart rate is too high".  After a while, he started to get into it, but when we went back inside he was fine with that.

On Sunday we went outside again, and this time was different.  On the way downstairs, I asked Caleb what he was excited to see when we went outside, and he said, "the sun".  As soon as we opened the door, he wanted to walk on his own and he took off.  (With him being attached to his pole, keeping up with him was tricky, but a good problem to have.)  He was so excited to walk up and down the 2 steps off the patio.  He hasn't seen steps in a long time and he had a really hard time with it, but he was so determined.  It was precious.  Then he started looking for ants and was totally fascinated when he'd find one.  He really enjoyed himself and put up a fight when we had to go back in.  I felt better about that trip; at least I could get a tiny glimpse of what it will be like when he DOES get to have a normal life again.  

That's a rundown of how we're doing.  Thanks for continuing to read about and care for our family!  This is a really hard time in our life and I deeply appreciate the fact that people are following our story.  Stay tuned if you're into hearing about how this family is going to keep on going, no matter what comes our way.




19 comments:

  1. Love reading your updates on your family. Prayers always.

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  2. Thanks for your real, raw honesty!!

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  3. love hearing from your family.. i saw you and daniel last week, coming out of the elevator but wasn't sure if you knew who i was.. prayers, hope and hugs to you all...

    Jennie
    NCP

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  4. continued prayers for Caleb, you and your family!! So appreciate your blog and you being real. Also helps in how to pay for you!

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  5. I am praying for all of you. Little Caleb needs his new heart soon. Praying God answers all of our prayers. You are a beautiful family. Sending hugs and prayers.

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  6. Katie yes, yes, YES keep blogging! Don't worry about how everyone else feels, if it's too much for them, they can choose not to follow or not to read. If this is good for you, then absolutly do it! For me personally, even though we go to church at Cadiz w/ some of your fam seeing & hearing updates regularly & wear the bracelet to remind my self to pray, I get caught up in my own life & to do lists... so seeing these posts reminds me to pray even more & that my own little piddly frustrations throughout the day are nothing - really NOTHING in the grand scheam of things! These posts remind me to praise even when I am frustrated or down because life could be so much more stressful & reminds me to not only think of your family, but also just to think of others outside my own home. Keep it up and know the prayers are still going up for you & for a miracle heart for Caleb! ~ Darcy

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  7. Oh Katie, as women we do tend to hold things in, and try to make sure everyone else is happy. Even the Virgin Mary pondered things in her heart from time to time, knowing from the start that she was going to have a different life. God knew you would need someone to talk to-I'm sure it was an answer to prayer.
    How special that Caleb got to go outside! To try and put a little more normalcy in his life-I'm sure that had to be scary yet exhilirating at the same time. Wow!
    Aunt Patty

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  8. I have never met you, but I follow your posts via my cousin, Monty Hale. I pray for you and your family daily. My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. My five year old son died of meningitis in 1981 so I know the fear you are experiencing. Hang in there and keep on posting. Praying for good news one day soon.

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  9. I can just picture that precious little guy tackling the steps like a super hero! Go Caleb! It will be wonderful for all of you to get outside regularly - nothing like being surrounded with creation. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself and that little bun in the oven - this sprint has turned into a marathon for your family. Know that I pray each day for you and love you guys!

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  10. God bless you katie, i admire how strong you've been, we never know our strenghts until we are faced with them, you don't drag me down with your posts, you lift me up, i know it probably seems like forever to you, because it has been a long time but even miricales take a little time, i'm praying for you katie and for caleb and the whole family, it's good you are letting your feelings out, you are human and can't be strong all the time, hang in there sweet girl.....

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  11. praying for all of you. never filter your feelings, be honest and let them flow! thank you for the updates. when God closes the door, praise Him in the hallway!!! love to all!

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  12. Venting your feelings is the best and sometimes the hardest thing to do. I went to school with Daniel, and started following your posts through a friend. Im a nurse at Methodist in a transplant ICU and i see families go through this every day, and i still cannot imagine what you are going through. All i can say is that after reading your blog is that you are a very strong person. So even during the times that you feel weak, know that you have the strength inside you, and with God you will make it down this path, wherever it takes you.

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  13. My family and I are still reading and thinking about you and your family daily! We will continue to pray!!! Your strength is amazing and I know God is with all of you! God Bless! Laura

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  14. Well you always bless my heart especially when you can get completely honest! I am so glad to hear you are seeing someone who will happily tell you when what you are thinking is "a load of crap"!! ;) Never get tired of hearing any news at all about the Kinnaird family! I find myself getting excited when I do see a blog entry! Katie, what you are going through is reaching out to so many people for the Kingdom, you just can't even imagine. I pray daily for your strength to endure while you are waiting. Praising Him in the hallway until that door opens! Love you all! Miss Pam

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  15. Smyrna Baptist church is praying for your family. The youth have fixed a sunshine goodie box for caleb and your family. I will be in Indy on friday, is it ok if i drop it off to you. thank you and remember God loves you and will never forget or leave you. Tia Smith

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  16. Thanks for your honesty and I would think that everyone would understand.I always try to remember to say a prayer for him and the family that will donate his new heart.I like being updated on your situation. Thanks for keeping us informed! Patsy Buck

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  17. Thank you for your honest heart. Praying for more sunny days for your family.

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  18. So good to hear the neewss that Caleb got to go outside! And who would think an ant could be so intereting!!! Also so glad you are getting help dealing with what you are going through...Glad you can get things out with someone. Keeping things in only makes you sick...depressed, etc.
    Praying for your well being and for a new heart for Caleb. Love you all, Marcia Ireland
















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